It's been a rough week to say the least...last weekend was supposed to be happy, party, no-kid weekend time. My little brother Jepothy got married in Norman on Sunday. I was so excited to be invited and actually be able to go. What's better is, I got to hang out with my sister Stormy on Saturday! She lives in Tecumseh, a little town outside of Shawnee. Her roommate/best friend had a birthday party Saturday night that I was invited to as well! I was so excited to get to party with my sister and all of her friends!
She called early in the day on Saturday, I assumed to ask what time I'd be there. I was in a hurry trying to get ready and get my things together. Plus, I wasn't trying to pay too much attention to my phone because the ex and I were having issues...he was having issues, rather. I didn't want to deal with him. So I didn't answer the phone when I heard it ring.
I called when I was near her house to let her know I was almost there and to get directions as to where I should be going because I had never been to her house before. When I pulled up she was like "did you get ANY of my calls". I told her that the call only came up once and I hadn't had time to call her back yet. She proceeded to tell me that our oldest nephew, Austin was in a wreck early Saturday morning. She had spoken to my oldest sister Dawn, all we knew at that point was he had been in surgery, was going to have more surgery, and we didn't know what was going to happen. My oldest sister lives about 15 minutes north of Memphis, there was no getting to her right at that point in time. I felt horrible, but I was rolling on borrowed wheels and didn't have that much cash.
Since we knew that in all reality we couldn't go there, we continued to stress and get ready for the party. I was already mostly ready, I just had to change clothes and put on a masquerade mask.
On our way to the party she called our sister and asked her house Austin was, she said that he was better. He wasn't out of the woods yet, but they thought he would make it. We were relieved and proceeded to go into the party to have a good time.
At some point during the evening after having a little entirely too much to drink, I got sick. I had put my sister's phone on the car charger earlier in the evening and my phone needed to charge, so I took that as my queue to go pass out in her front seat get some fresh air.
I went outside and plugged my phone in and proceeded to fall asleep in her passenger seat. I kept thinking her phone was ringing, but I never woke up enough to look at it. She came out about 45 minutes later and asked me if I had checked her phone, I woke up enough to tell her I hadn't. She said "Oh my gosh!, he died, Austin died". I was in shock, I was drunk and in shock. I couldn't pull my thoughts together for 3 or 4 minutes, but when it finally hit me I broke down.
How had my precious 17 year old nephew died? Was he really gone? Was someone playing a joke? I finally wrapped my head around the whole situation and I felt so broken.
He had so many hopes and dreams. At our family reunion in July he told me he planned to go to college to be a rocket scientist. I promise you ladies and gents he would have done it. He was smart and stubborn enough to do whatever he wanted to do.
After my breakdown, I wondered if he had been drinking and driving. Then I realized he hadn't, he was totally against drinking and driving. After our family reunion my siblings and I went bowling and took most of our kids, except for my 2 little ones. I had drank 3 pitchers some beer and was wondering about getting back to my hotel. My nephew stepped up and asked me for my keys and told me he'd drive me back.
I didn't grow up with my dad's kids. I knew when Austin was born, my Aunt Mary and Uncle Allen had sent me some pictures of him and my sister, but I had only saw his face in person twice in my life. Still...that was nephew, that was the little boy that made me an auntie. When he took my keys he had all of my respect and all of the love an aunt feels for her nephew. I loved that kid with my whole heart. I looked forward to spending time with him and my sister's other son and daughter as well! I couldn't wait to plan a trip to spend time with them.
My heart is broken for my sister. My heart is broken that I can't be there for her. My heart is broken for me and my children that we don't have the chance to ever be close to Austin....
I had called my mom in the middle of the night after we got the news. Of course she didn't answer at 3 AM. I couldn't fall asleep til around 5, my mom called at 9 AM to check on me. I was hungover not feeling well, but could not for the life of me go back to sleep. So I started checking out facebook to see what the morning's gossip was.
I found out that a lifelong friend had lost her brother in a car accident early Sunday morning around 3:30 AM. </3
I really felt like skipping the wedding, my sister and I threw around the idea of skipping the wedding. I wanted to day drink until I had to sober up and then go home.
But, I pulled it together. We decided we had to go to the wedding, because it would only happen one time. Even if we weren't happy, we were going to get energy drinks, we would put on our smiley, happy faces, and by gosh we would go and try to look happy to be there.
I did my best, I really did. It was the most bittersweet weekend of my life. 2 young lives lost, and 2 more being joined together til death do they part. I'm just now starting to feel emotionally well again. Even if I am still broken. I want to go be with my sister still. I want to hug her and her kids. I miss them.
I know that death is a part of life, but how can I be normal when death has touched my life as much as it has? Why do some people get to live most of their lives and never lose anyone near and dear? How is that fair? I feel like a 8 year old sometimes telling God how unfair it is that I have to lose so many people I love. It makes me afraid to let people in my life, it makes me afraid to love anyone new. It makes me feel morbid and weird. On the other hand, I also realize how precious love and life are, and it makes me value those around me more.
