And I'm Eaten Alive, By What I Hold Inside

It's been a horrible week...Okay, maybe not horrible. I've been through worse, but it's pretty bad.

I'm trying to keep my feelings neutral because my moods are swinging so badly. I don't know which way they'll go, so if I stay neutral..I don't have to worry about if I'm going hug someone or punch them in the face.

My ex was sent to jail last Thursday night.
I know.
It's horrible.
His (now ex)girlfriend got mad because I gave the ex-factor a ride to our 4 year old's Christmas program. We haven't always been able to get along that well. However, both of their vehicles were in the shop and he didn't have transportation to get to the program. I knew how bad my little guy wanted his daddy to be there. So I sucked up all my extra feelings and went way out of my way for the greater good of my children.

Apparently when I took the ex home his girlfriend was pissed. I only heard his side of the story, so I can't be sure what really happened. I'm know she pushed his buttons and he pushed right back. She got a little violent and the whole situation escalated to the point where she felt like the authorities should be called.
Honestly, I could really care less about what happens between the two of them. BUT, what I do care about, is the fact that my children were just at the point where they love her, trust her, and want to spend time with her, their half-brother, and her older son. It breaks my heart, I haven't told my kids yet. I don't know what to say to them. I don't know how to tell them that their 2nd family has fallen apart. Can I just pretend it didn't happen and wait til the ask? What are the rules here? I mean...I know they'll eventually ask and I'll have to tell them something.

Here's the kicker of this whole situation: My ex has a 2 year suspended sentence. He goes to court on January 3rd about this domestic dispute. The judge could revoke his sentence and send him to prison for 2 years.

It makes really upset to face the possibility of taking my kids to the penitentiary to see there father. I'm angry at both he and his ex-girlfriend. There are so many little lives that are affected by their dumbass actions. Apparently they  have no concept of taking their kid's feelings into consideration.

So I'm holding in my thoughts and feelings. I may have a breakdown before all is said and done. For now, I'll just hold it inside and keep my exterior neutral. Maybe I can trick myself into being genuinely happy over the holidays.

Bah...Merry Christmas!

I'm Feelin' Like A Star, You Can't Stop My Shine...

You know...most of the time I don't mind riding solo. I like being single, I like having freedom, and I like not having share my covers and pillows at night.


There's still that part of me though, however small it may be, that misses having someone in my life that makes me feel like I count.


Sure my kids make me feel like I matter, and I love them with every fiber of my being. I feel like I'm at an impass.. I'm having a hard time weighing out the pros and cons to being in a relationship vs. being single.


I guess if I could find the right guy it wouldn't be hard, right? There wouldn't even be a question or doubt in my mind. But..I'm kind of picky when it comes to the type of guy I want to be in a relationship with.


Several months ago I made a list of qualities/values I look for in a guy. It's quite long and involved. Obviously most of these are what I would look for in a husband. Some are not as important as others, and they aren't necessarily in any certain order.

What I Want In A Man…
1. Has to be a good person
2. Believes in God
3. Believes in himself
4. Ambitious
5. Makes me laugh constantly!
6. Optimistic when I need him to be.
7. Is open minded
8. Laid back
9. Can handle my incessant hounding should the occasion arise.
10. Likes to travel
11. Will go to concerts and shows with me.
12. Can appreciate my obscure taste in music.
13. Has good morals that agree with mine..especially about important stuff, such as infidelity, abortion, good 10 commandment type stuff.
14. Stands up for his principles and moral beliefs.
15. Has a witty, sarcastic, awesome sense of humor, can appreciate my sense of humor and I can appreciate his.
16. Has to get along with/love my family, especially Jackson.
17. My family must approve of and like/love him.
18. Is intelligent. Doesn’t have to be super intelligent, or booksmart, not a know-it-all..but is aware of things and can hold their own in a intellectual convo.
19. WILL NOT CHEAT!!
20. Has a place in his heart for the less fortunate, but not to a fault.
21. Must respect and value me, my time, thoughts, dreams, feelings, opinions.
22. Is clean!
23. Good hygiene!
24. Is generous..with more than just money.
25. Is secure with himself and his life.
26. Adores me..everything about me..to a fault ;)
27. Is thoughtful.
28. Taller than me..
29. Makes me feel protected and safe.
30. Will lay on the couch and be lazy with me if I need him to.
31. Will leave me alone if I need him to.
32. Isn’t rude.
33. Will give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay if I’m sad.
34. Will bail me out if I fail, but not hold it over my head…
35. Smells good.
36. Likes to play with my hair
37. Is a good kisser
38. Loves to hold my hand.
39. Will dance with me.
40. Will do anything to see me and spend time with me.
41. Calls and texts..but not to annoyance.
42. Initiates romance sometimes, but isn’t waaay to mushy.
43. I find him attractive.
44. Can dress appropriately for different occasions.
45. Wants the same things in life I do.
46. Pays his bills on time.
47. ^^Takes care of his bidness.
48. Doesn’t have crazy exes/mother
49. Is a good father or father figure.
50. Can handle my craziness.
51. Motivated
52. Tactful
53. Can read and write (obviously)
54. Loves to sing, even if he can’t…and will sing to me. ..and will listen to me sing..and like it.
55. Is patient, even when I’m not.
56. Values his family, and time with his family.
57. Good teeth.
58. Appreciates clean sheets.
59. Can cook…will cook for me.
60. Loves his momma.
61. Will give me the wedding of my dreams should we both decide we want to marry.
62. Will take me out at least once a week just to show me off.
63. Knows how to communicate with me.
64. Is consistent.
65. Challenges and motivates me to be a better person.
66. Is honest.
67. Will share his secrets with me.
68. Wants to be my best friend…but not the gross girly kind of friend.
69. Kills the spiders for me.
70. Does laundry..or at least helps.
71. Lets me know when he’ll be late.
72. Doesn’t stand me up.
73. Is punctual.
74. Helps curb my anxiety instead of feed into it.
75. Can handle a crowd.
76. Loves people and loves to socialize.
77. But will stay in if I wanna..
78. We have a bond..
79. Is interested in my happiness, and our future together.
80. Thinks I’m a great mom.
81. will take my side if anyone wrongs me..
82. but will call me out (in a nice way) if I’m wrong.
83. Will want stay up late to talk or watch movies with me.
84. Will admit if he is wrong.
85. Is straight-forward and doesn’t play games, won’t mess with my head.
86. Can handle the fact that I am friends with men.
87. Is jealous, but not overly-jealous…
88. Loves me even on my bad-hair, no make-up, sweats and tshirt days.
89. Has his own car.
90. Has his own house.
91. Will deal with it if I’m a little late.
92. Can take a compliment well.
93. Will compliment me (a lot).
94. Will make a fool of himself to prove he wants to be with me, will get in my face and force me to see it.
95. He only has eyes for me.
96. He’s persistent.
97. Will love me even when it hurts.
98. Keeps his promises
99. Will listen..really listen.
100. Will tell me the truth, even if it hurts my feelings, won’t brush issues under the rug just to make me happy.
101. Is in touch with reality.
102. Wants me til death do us part.


If you made it through all 102 points, good for you! Lol..if any of you know a guy that would meet most of these requirements feel free to send him my way for inspection. I'm thinking I'll formulate an inspection like the DMV does on your car. Anyone have any ideas for that?

♫It's Something Unpredictable, But In the End It's Right, I Hope You Had the Time of Your Life♫

It's been a rough week to say the least...last weekend was supposed to be happy, party, no-kid weekend time. My little brother Jepothy got married in Norman on Sunday. I was so excited to be invited and actually be able to go. What's better is, I got to hang out with my sister Stormy on Saturday! She lives in Tecumseh, a little town outside of Shawnee. Her roommate/best friend had a birthday party Saturday night that I was invited to as well! I was so excited to get to party with my sister and all of her friends!

She called early in the day on Saturday, I assumed to ask what time I'd be there. I was in a hurry trying to get ready and get my things together. Plus, I wasn't trying to pay too much attention to my phone because the ex and I were having issues...he was having issues, rather. I didn't want to deal with him. So I didn't answer the phone when I heard it ring.

I called when I was near her house to let her know I was almost there and to get directions as to where I should be going because I had never been to her house before. When I pulled up she was like "did you get ANY of my calls". I told her that the call only came up once and I hadn't had time to call her back yet. She proceeded to tell me that our oldest nephew, Austin was in a wreck early Saturday morning.  She had spoken to my oldest sister Dawn, all we knew at that point was he had been in surgery, was going to have more surgery, and we didn't know what was going to happen. My oldest sister lives about 15 minutes north of Memphis, there was no getting to her right at that point in time. I felt horrible, but I was rolling on borrowed wheels and didn't have that much cash.

Since we knew that in all reality we couldn't go there, we continued to stress and get ready for the party. I was already mostly ready, I just had to change clothes and put on a masquerade mask.

On our way to the party she called our sister and asked her house Austin was, she said that he was better. He wasn't out of the woods yet, but they thought he would make it. We were relieved and proceeded to go into the party to have a good time.

At some point during the evening after having a little entirely too much to drink, I got sick. I had put my sister's phone on the car charger earlier in the evening and my phone needed to charge, so I took that as my queue to go pass out in her front seat get some fresh air.

I went outside and plugged my phone in and proceeded to fall asleep in her passenger seat. I kept thinking her phone was ringing, but I never woke up enough to look at it. She came out about 45 minutes later and asked me if I had checked her phone, I woke up enough to tell her I hadn't. She said "Oh my gosh!, he died, Austin died". I was in shock, I was drunk and in shock. I couldn't pull my thoughts together for 3 or 4 minutes, but when it finally hit me I broke down.

How had my precious 17 year old nephew died? Was he really gone? Was someone playing a joke? I finally wrapped my head around the whole situation and I felt so broken.

He had so many hopes and dreams. At our family reunion in July he told me he planned to go to college to be a rocket scientist. I promise you ladies and gents he would have done it. He was smart and stubborn enough to do whatever he wanted to do.

After my breakdown, I wondered if he had been drinking and driving. Then I realized he hadn't, he was totally against drinking and driving. After our family reunion my siblings and I went bowling and took most of our kids, except for my 2 little ones. I had drank 3 pitchers some beer and was wondering about getting back to my hotel. My nephew stepped up and asked me for my keys and told me he'd drive me back.

I didn't grow up with my dad's kids. I knew when Austin was born, my Aunt Mary and Uncle Allen had sent me some pictures of him and my sister, but I had only saw his face in person twice in my life. Still...that was nephew, that was the little boy that made me an auntie. When he took my keys he had all of my respect and all of the love an aunt feels for her nephew. I loved that kid with my whole heart. I looked forward to spending time with him and my sister's other son and daughter as well! I couldn't wait to plan a trip to spend time with them.

My heart is broken for my sister. My heart is broken that I can't be there for her. My heart is broken for me and my children that we don't have the chance to ever be close to Austin....

I had called my mom in the middle of the night after we got the news. Of course she didn't answer at 3 AM. I couldn't fall asleep til around 5, my mom called at 9 AM to check on me. I was hungover not feeling well, but could not for the life of me go back to sleep. So I started checking out facebook to see what the morning's gossip was.

I found out that a lifelong friend had lost her brother in a car accident early Sunday morning around 3:30 AM. </3

 I really felt like skipping the wedding, my sister and I threw around the idea of skipping the wedding. I wanted to day drink until I had to sober up and then go home.

But, I pulled it together. We decided we had to go to the wedding, because it would only happen one time. Even if we weren't happy, we were going to get energy drinks, we would put on our smiley, happy faces, and by gosh we would go and try to look happy to be there.

I did my best, I really did. It was the most bittersweet weekend of my life. 2 young lives lost, and 2 more being joined together til death do they part. I'm just now starting to feel emotionally well again. Even if I am still broken. I want to go be with my sister still. I want to hug her and her kids. I miss them.

I know that death is a part of life, but how can I be normal when death has touched my life as much as it has? Why do some people get to live most of their lives and never lose anyone near and dear? How is that fair? I feel like a 8 year old sometimes telling God how unfair it is that I have to lose so many people I love. It makes me afraid to let people in my life, it makes me afraid to love anyone new. It makes me feel morbid and weird. On the other hand, I also realize how precious love and life are, and it makes me value those around me more.

I've Got A Pocket, Got A Pocket Full of Sunshine...

Not!

You thought you were in the wrong place for a second huh? Got you guys good...lol.

I do not in fact have a pocket full of sunshine today. My pocket is full of rainclouds and gloominess. Surprisingly, my mood is not bad.

It could be bad. But, it's not.

It occurred to me over the weekend that I haven't really blogged about my kids much lately..I've just ranted and complained.

My mom and sister stole took Lulu Saturday, my sister's friend was having a baby shower. She's pregnant with her 2nd son. She's never met my daughter, and for some reason felt like she needed to meet her. I in fact had no problem with this. I was actually quite happy because it gave me some time to have fun with Jackson and Riley. I haven't had the chance to have a mommy/son day with them in a while. I decided to take them to get dirty. We went to Wild Things Farm. We had a blast! For $8/each you get a hayride, complete with meet & greet with the resident horses, a dirt hill slide, corn maze, and a stop at the pumpkin patch to pick out your very own pumpkin. You also have access to the petting zoo while there. We fed goats, raced rubber ducks, so on and so forth. I also splurged on $5 pony rides for the boys. It was Jackson's first time to really ride a horse, he thought it was the best thing ever and giggled the entire time. It was lots of fun, and they got super dirty, which was the goal.

We were there, seriously about 2 hours. All 3 of us were exhausted when it was time to leave. They tried to con me into taking them to the famous golden arches, but I talked them into Sonic instead. FYI..do not try the bacon and bleu dog..it's not tasty at all. They both fell asleep on the way home. I felt super lucky to get a few moments of peace and quiet.

When we got back to the farm (our farm), I dropped Riley and Jackson off at Gammy's because she hadn't saw either one of them much at all that day. They both kept telling me thank you for taking them to "the punkin patch". They were so sweet, I forgot how much fun outings could be with just the boys.

When Lulu got home all hell broke loose. She likes to play this game where she sneaks out the side door and runs to Gammy's house just as fast as she can before you catch her..lol. Then when you yell at her ask her nicely to come back, she turns around looks at you like you're insane and starts to cross the fence so she can run across the field to Gammy's yard. She gets the cutest, most mischievous look on her face. If you remind her you can run faster than her she'll usually stop and come back.

 On Saturday, I was laying down when she got home. I was texting and not paying much attention and she ran over to Gammy's house before I realized she was gone. So I had to go get her. I re-acquired Jackson while I was there as well. Lulu giggled all the way home because she tricked me. :) I love that little girl, she has my heart, even when she's cranky and has the worst attitude I love her. Her attitude is still cute at this point. Check back in with me in a few years and ask me how many times she's got in trouble for telling me no.

<3

The parentals went and picked up BBQ from Wildhorse Mountain on Saturday night. We all had dinner at my grandparent's house. It was really nice. The baked beans were the.best.ever.

On Sunday we just chilled. Didn't do much at all except for spend time together and watch reality tv with Gammy. I love lazy Sundays with my family.

Next Sunday I'm looking forward to seeing several of my siblings. My little brother is getting married on 10/16! I'm so excited for him and his bride to be. My baby brother turned 19 today. <3 I'm so excited to see the 2 of them and my younger sister. I'll be sure to post pics!

Did the rest of you have a good weekend? I hope all of you have a pocket full of sunshine today!

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own. Everybody has a private world where they can be alone...

Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful...

I love this song, I love Eminem! Lol..his lyrics make me excited about life for some reason.

I'm in a weird mood today. A good mood..I really think that's why it feels weird. I haven't been this happy in a while. I'm really excited at the prospect of a fresh new start. I have put in my resume in at 12 places in San Antonio. I've also dropped my name in the hat for 5 jobs in Austin. I feel like out of these 17 places, 1 of them HAS to give me a job. Right?! Well..we can only hope this is true.

I really need to move on, I feel stagnant in this place. Either way, new job or not I have hopes and dreams again. I lost those for a minute. I still plan on going to petroleum land management classes in the spring (so I can make bank). But, I need something else like rightnow. I need to be with my Tejas girlies, with people that love me. <3

Okay, okay..so people love me here too (to know me is to love me). I need to be with more people that actually care though. I know it will be a huge adjustment, I'm ready for it. I've been her for 24+ years..in the same place. Living on the same piece of land, with the same people, same issues..good and bad. I've been in the same job for almost 5 years. This month on 10/26/11 I'll celebrate my 5th anniversary with this company. Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked about 5 years. I'm more than stoked about the prospect of moving to Texas though. My kids are excited as well. Riley is the only one that really understands so far, but he wants to go.

I started guitar lessons Saturday night, I'm not a savant or anything like that. I've memorized 5 chords, I can't successfully switch between those chords yet. With the help from my awesome guitar teacher I believe I can though! :)

I'm having fun with my life these days. Out are the days of stress and depression. I'm back to the days of fun and laughter. I love being able to love life again!

Crazy things have happened to me in the past month. Isn't it weird how quickly things can change? Thoughts, emotions, even circumstances. Sometimes I feel like I'm juggling and balancing on a tightrope at the same time. One wrong step and everything falls...you can't hold on forever though, right? I only hope all those things fall into the right places this time <3

♫I can do it to your mind, I can do it to your...face♫

This is the song in my head right now:

But either way
Either way, you know where it stands
I wanna kill you
I wanna blow you...
Away

I'm not sure if you guys remember the 90s or not, but in my mind some of the best music ever came out of the 90s. They lyrics above are from a song called "Angry Johnny" by Poe. I miss music like this. I miss music that was straight forward, in your face, and made your heart weep. Granted there is still music around like that. Not in this style though.

This hasn't been the best week for me. It's turning out better, but I had to make great leaps to make it that way. Last Friday night I was getting ready for my kid's birthday party that took place on Saturday. A great friend of mine and I were on the phone, he had a discussion with his ex about getting back together and working things out. They have 2 kids together so I'm all for that. I'm all about working things out and being happy together if you think that's what's going to make you happy. However, he and I have a significant relationship. We have an emotional bond. His ex apparently doesn't like that and told him if they were to work things out he and I can't be friends anymore.

What the fuck kind of shit is that? Really? Because obviously we are mature and responsible enough to just be friends? BS! I don't want a romantic relationship with him. I'm quite content with what I have at this point. However, it's hard for me to make friends. I only trust a handful of people with my life issues. He's the only person I've ever felt comfortable telling every single detail of my life to. He's helped me work through so many of my issues and made a huge effort in helping me fix myself. Now, because the ex either doesn't trust me, him, or is insanely jealous..I've lost my friend.

I can understand if she doesn't trust me, she doesn't know me to trust me. She doesn't know me enough to know that I never lie about anything. That I don't cheat. If she doesn't trust him..then why in the hell does she want to try and work things out with him? I don't know about any of you, but I'll never again be in a relationship where I can't trust my significant other. The possibility of jealousy..I understand that. She's like, 6 or 7 months pregnant with her ex-boyfriend's baby. They lived together for a while. I can see where she might be jealous. I don't totally understand jealousy, I don't subscribe to jealousy, especially in a relationship. When you are jealous of others and you're in a relationship, it's going to cause your relationship to go south at some point.

I would never be in a relationship in which I was told who I could and could not be friends with. I'm friends with my ex, if future boyfriends/lovers/husbands cannot understand that...well, here's a big "fuck you!" to you guys right now. We won't last. I won't waste my time. If you can't handle the fact that I'm friends with my exes, that I have mostly male friends, and that I talk to them daily...then I don't want you. If you can't trust me enough to handle myself in situations that may tempt me to cheat, again "FUCK you!".

I think I have my point across..lol. In the end of our conversation, I was crying. I was sad. He said "I guess this is the last time we'll talk". I told him that if they don't work out he can give me a call at any point, whether it be 5 years or 15 years, I'll answer and I expect we'll still be friends. I just don't understand how you could be striving for a normal, healthy, working relationship and tell someone who they can or cannot be friends with. It really pisses me off. It makes me sort of mad at him too that he didn't fight to be my friend....am I not worth it to you? Maybe we won't be friends again after all....I just gave myself a lot to think about as far as how valuable I really was to him.

Anyway, this week is almost over. Erin will be here on Friday! She's staying the night with me and I'm super excited about this. Also, Korn tickets go on sale on Friday! Like I said, this is turning into a fantastic week! :) I hope all of you are having great weeks too! <3

Wake Me Up When September Ends...

I am such a horrible blogger...I'm averaging 1-2 posts a month. I'm not really sure how many of you actually follow me, but I apologize for my absence.


My grandmother has breast cancer as most of you know. She was hospitalized on..well, I have no clue what date. She came home on 9/10..after 8 days in the hospital. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. I'm sure her's too. She was hospitalized for a blood infection and sore on the bottom of her foot.  While in the hospital she lost her mind...not figuratively, literally. Like..she couldn't hold a conversation that made sense. It was scary and further made me realize I don't have much longer with her on earth. This makes me sad..it's made me question my own mortality, it's made me realize my kids are going to have to go through this someday with me. I don't want to think about it, but it's something I have to face..have to be an adult and face facts.


I hate growing up. Yesterday I was forced into a position where I had to...okay, maybe not had to, but I chose to re-evaluate the way I look at romantic relationships I've been involved in, in the past. I didn't like it, it wasn't fun, but I've worked things out to the point that I'm good. I'm ready for a mature adult relationship. I don't know when it's coming or where it's coming from, but I'm ready for it! and I'm excited. I'm happy that I overcame thoughts and feelings I never realized I had.


September is a month of birthdays, all 3 of my kiddos. I'm ready for the final party tomorrow. I'm excited to watch the kids laugh and play with friends and family. I'm excited to vist, to open presents. I'll be posting a blog about that in the next week.


So...yeah, wake me up when September ends. October- watch out! I'm coming for you, and I'm gonna kick ass!

You're Naked Inside Your Fear, You Can't Take Back All Those Years

I can't believe August is almost over. It's certainly been a month of ups and downs for me. Or maybe it's been downs and ups?

August started kind of down, then it was kind of up, then  it was really really down for a minute. Then up again! I got to go to Austin and spend time with my Tejas besties. I love those girls...like, seriously. I know that no matter what they're going to be there for me if I need anything. And I feel the same about them. Whatever I can do for them I will.

I had such an awesome time with Mena Thursday night, we went to see Blue October at HOB in Dallas. We discovered this amazing up and coming band called "IAmDynamite". The band consists of 2 guys, Chris&Chris. They were "SuperMegaFantastic". They were so great I had to buy their shirt! :) Mena had to work on Friday so I got chill with her worse/better half. Billy and I had good times telling crazy life stories and trying to top the other's story..lol. We got to have lunch at Sonic with Mena. This made me very happy because I'm a huge fan of Sonic. If you don't have Sonic Drive-In where you are, I'm very sorry for you. Friday after Mena got off work we headed to Austin, we didn't get there until late. We met Rachel, Erin, and Erin's almost-boyfriend at our hotel. Rachel, Mena, and I ended up staying in, while Erin and the almost-bf went out. The 3 of us..thanks to Rachel's extreme generosity, checked out Rachel's coupon book. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever saw..lol. I developed a great love for coupons thanks to this lady.

On Saturday we slept in...kinda..in all actuality Mena, Rachel, and I got up early and ate the most amazing hotel continental breakfast ever..lol. We're talking sausage links, ham, eggs, biscuits, gravy, toast, muffins, danish, waffles, english muffins, bagels...plus fruit, cereal, and all that jazz. It was crazy! Mena got about 18 single servings of peanut butter :) Then we went back to the room. I ended up starting a phone call that didn't end until about 3 hours later. I talked on the phone and everyone else slept..lol. Then we showered, got ready, and headed out to Torchy's Tacos. I got a fried avocado taco, it was delish. I also got an order of chips and green chile queso....I'm telling you what, I would drink their queso if it were socially acceptable! I love that ish. After Torchy's and some extreme coupon shopping we went back to the hotel where we rested, got ready, I took huge shots of Wild Turkey, then we went downtown.

Saturday night was crazy, we started out at El Sol y La Luna, where the sidewalk talker...I believe his name was Dustin told us that we should come in and have the special, which happened to be a pitcher of Long Islands for $10, he also told us if we ordered said pitcher to tell the bartender that Dustin sent us in. We decided this was the best idea...please keep in mind that I was already quite inebriated from the earlier mentioned shots of Wild Turkey. We sat at the bar and gave the the spiel about how Dustin sent us in for the "special". So the bartender hooked us up right with an amazing pitcher...I didn't know how it would work out that we end up with a "special" pitcher, but I quickly realized every time we weren't paying attention one of the bartenders would toss a few more shots in our pitcher..til it was almost pure alcohol. C-R-A-Z-Y! I was drunk by this time. I took pics with people I did not know, I shared a smoke with "Dustin"...it was a lot of fun :) We ended up at Touche next..I don't remember very much about this part of our adventure. Even though Touche is my fave bar, all I can remember is shots that tasted like Gatorade and removing my falsies (eyelashes) in the bathroom. Clearly, I had already consumed my limit of alcohol, BUT! We went to still another bar after that called "Jackalope". I had never been in Jackalope before, but I'll probably go back. I remember this man sat beside me..he tried to convince me that he was not gay, but I'm pretty sure he was. I really don't remember that guy's name, but I remember he was talking about being from Tulsa...lol. I remember the bartender "Kitty Korvette". I remember Mena wearing "Roger's" glasses. That is all. I don't remember anything after that until we were on our way back to the car and Rachel was sitting on the sidewalk crying. :( I remember being really sad and thinking if she didn't stop crying I was going to cry. I also remember so many people stopping that knew Rachel's name! They were asking if she was okay..lol. I loved it. I loved that so many people were concerned about her well-being, because she's one of the most amazing people in my life, I feel like everyone in the world should be considerate and concerned of and about Rachel's well-being. After that Erin and the almost-boyfriend met us, we went to the van, and then on to IHop. Rachel continued to cry, I almost cried, then we ate. The pancakes and coffee were fantastic, I'm convinced I was overcharged...I paid $20 for an omelette, tea, coffee, and a short-stack...really? LOL...I didn't care though, I was drunk, the food was good. We went back the hotel afterwards and I crashed out. I was sad to come home on Sunday. I made it home late and talked on the phone late. Woke up Monday morning and drug myself into work.

I forgot to mention! I almost got stuck in Texas! If it weren't for mom and Mike I wouldn't have made it home. I expected a child support payment on Saturday....I got one, but it was about an 1/8th of my usual payment. Adam however still cannot explain this. So I'm really not sure what happened. Nor am I going to get myself all worked up about it. Money is money, you don't need cash to come into this world and you don't need cash to leave it.

My baby's birthdays are next month. Riley will be 8! on 9/25. Jackson will be 4 on 9/11. Lulu will be 2 on 9/17....this is crazy in my mind. I can't believe my kiddos are growing up so fast. It makes me feel all maternal and kind of sad that I'm not going to have anymore babies. BUT...on the other hand, I'm so glad I don't have a tiny screaming drill sargent waking me up every hour all night long, and I'm done with diapers. Can't complain, right? lol.

This is the longest post ever. I'm going to try and keep up better in the future. I don't like having to type this much all at once. I have big weekend plans..no kids, I'm going to hang out with friends on both Friday and Saturday nights, I'm pretty excited about this. :) I love no kid weekends just as much and for different reason than I love kid weekends. I hope everyone has a safe and happy Tuesday evening!

you're out of line and out of time

"Shallow Bay"
come on
the sun will rise
another time
the colors blind
your virgin eyes
I'm so inclined
to make you mine
you're out of line
and out of time
[chorus]
and I float upon a shallow bay
lift me up until the ground gives way
I'm a California castaway
I don't think you wanna fuck with me
don't over kill
this painless thrill
it's bitter still
your pretty pill
you wait until
you've had your fill
I know you will
I know you will
[chorus]
a shallow bay
a shallow bay
[chorus x 2]
you live, you learn
you live, you learn
you live, you learn
you live

You live and learn, that's all I can say about this past week. That's all I want to say. As you all know, I live my life with no regrets, just lessons learned.

With that being said, today is a fan-fuckingtastic day! "Shallow Bay: The Best of Breaking Bejamin" released today!!! Of course I downloaded it first thing this morning. I love Breaking Benjamin with all my little heart. Polyamorous has been one of my favorite songs for 5 or 6 years and it's the fist song on the album! Happy days are here to stay.

ALSO, I washed my hair last night, and it fell into a perfectly straight middle part! I'm so excited about that ish..I can barely stand myself. Lol!

The biggest thing I'm excited about on this amazing Tuesday...I get to see Mena in 2 days! Blue October, House of Blues, Rachel and Austin on Friday. <3 How the fuck could this girl be any less excited today? It's a wonderful life.

Losing hope is easy when your only friend is gone.....

I don't know what's wrong with me these days! Actually..that's a lie. I know what's wrong with me. I have no babysitter...I haven't been out of the house for adult fun in 3 weeks. My best friends are far away. It makes me want to cry. I need to be in Texas, I need to be where people love and care about my well-being and mental health. I need time with my friends in a setting where I can just do me, where I don't have to worry that I'm going to say or do the wrong thing. I need an adult beverage dammit!
It's been 13 days since my last cigarette...I almost broke down and bought a pack today. It was serious...today was so bad that my boss told me I should smoke and drink at lunch. I almost quit my job. I said  "I'm ready to walk out of this place and never come back. I could leave now and not look back. I could be broke and lose everything I have and it will still be better than being here. I'm either quitting today, or you're going to end up firing me". Of course neither of those things happened, but I really probably could have been fired. My job is customer service. You might ask how do you give good customer service when you hate everyone around you? Here's what I do: I bitch at my boss all day. I tell him how much I hate life, how much I hate the company I work for, that I can't stand to hear the girl next to me speak because every word out of her mouth grates my nerves like an itch that you can't scratch. Aggghhhhh! I was gulping some haterade today...I brought my big orange cooler of haterade to work. I just need a night out people!!! Is that too much to ask? really? Is it too much to ask of you to take my children for 1 night a week so I can be mentally stable? I.think.not.
I have to go shopping for school supplies and clothes tomorrow...I'm not even looking forward to it. It's tax free weekend, so I feel like I have to..I'm obliged to buy clothes and supplies tomorrow. How can I not?! I dread being out there with the other 3 billion people who are shopping tax fee. These people are hardcore deal sharks. So am I to a point, but the people I'm going to shop with tomorrow are not my friends. Hopefully they let me get in, get what I need, and get out without opposition. I can't deal with opposition right, I need a drink.
It's Friday night...I'm ready to go out, but I have no where to go, no one to go out with, and no sitter. Hopefully I get to go somewhere tomorrow night, I will def let you know if I do!

Living Dead Girl

So...Hot As Hell was almost 2 weeks ago...the last time I left my house by myself for anything other than work and grocery shopping...fml. I'm stressed and depressed. Here's my fave moment from Hot As Hell:

That's right, he stopped right in the middle of the song to save this chic that had been crowd surfing in a bikini top. We were closer to the middle of the stage and 5 or 6 feet farther forward. This happened in front of and to the right of us. Some guy reached up and ripped this girl's top off. Then as she was trying to cover herself and fix her top at the same time she got pulled down into the pit and guys were grabbing on her and accosting her...it was crazy. I had so much respect for this man that I won't even pirate their album, I'll buy it for real. 

I rode to the fest with Heather and Steve, we had a great time. Got some margaritas at Mexicali when we got there, then headed down towards the fest. All That Remains was on stage when we got there. After their set Josh found me and we went to the front of the stage while 10 years was setting stage. I love 10 years, I wanted to see 10 years more than anyone there. However...I got sick. The 2 margaritas I had combined with not eating much made me want to fall over. So I sat down through most of their set. After that we went back to Mexicali, drank water and beer and I was good to go. We got back to the fest in time for Sevendust and 5FDP. Then Rob Zombie! I had such a great time. Josh took me home and we had great convo.  It's nice to chill with someone who really understands me and where I'm coming from with things. 

Our central air was out from Friday to Tuesday this week. I haven't been anywhere just for me in almost 2 weeks. AND I've just been informed that I have no babysitter for this weekend..soooo I'm not going to get to do anything for me this weekend either. I'm crying right now..literally. I need something outside of work and this house. bah...FML! 

So, must of you don't know this but I like to write poetry. I've started a few poems over the past few days. I haven't really finished them or went anywhere with them though:

1.

Seemingly nothing is going my way

It seems as if nothing is here to stay.

2. 

I'm sick

I'm depressed

Something is wrong

I'm alone

I'm scared 

Something is gone

I feel like I can combine them, I just haven't really tried yet.

Anyways, I'm going to put my children to bed and have a safety meeting. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

It Started Out With A Kiss, How Did It End Up Like This?!

OMG! Life is crazy! I know it's been a while since I've blogged...I have been demonized, dramatized, and traumatized since the last time you heard from me.

My Gammy does have cancer for sure. She actually started chemo today, but more on that later...

Last Thursday was my 28th birthday, that's right I turned 28 on 7/7. Guess what I woke up to on my birthday morn? A tweet from my sister saying my grandpa had went to the hospital via ambulance during the night! My grandma rode with him in the ambulance. I went ahead and went to work since I didn't really know what was going on. Another girl in my department was on vacation, so I knew I would have to be here to do some things before I could go to the hospital. My mom called around 9:20 and told me to get over to the hospital ASAP because my Gammy didn't feel good and they were probably going to admit my Da-dad because he was severely dehydrated and had pneumonia.

I got to the hospital and went into the ER room my grandpa was in. He was asleep, Gam was sitting in a chair at the foot of his bed. I sat down on the floor beside her so she could re-hash everything that had happened. She was telling me the story and noticed her left foot was so swollen she couldn't put her shoe on. My mom had told me she was having issues with her foot, but I didn't realize it was that bad.

Gam was supposed to have a port put in last Friday for her chemo, so I knew she needed to get her foot looked at just in case something was really wrong. Her foot was swollen, red, and angry looking. I went back and forth with her for about an hour and a half. I even got one of the nurses on her case. I had to get a little mean with her, but she finally agreed to getting it looked at.

My grandpa was admitted and put in a private room, Gammy was in minor emergency ER, and my boys were being bad. I left Lu with Mom and Sara and took the boys to the house. I hadn't been gone long when my mom called and said that Gam was being admitted as well, she had a blood clot in her leg! That's right...my birthday, both grandparents admitted to the hospital. They came home yesterday and are both doing better.

Gam went to the oncologist today, even though she wasn't able to get her port as planned they still started chemo today through a regular vein. They'll put her port in once all of the cumedin is out of her system.

So...last Saturday night was horrible. I really thought it was going to be amazing...it even started out amazing. It ended up going horribly wrong...I went out with this guy that I had been talking to for around a week, we have mutual friends so I really thought things might be good. I was out with friends, seeing one of my fave bands and he met me at the bar to have drinks. We hit it off instantly.

It's not something I normally do, but I went home with him, we had like..an instant connection. Well...he failed to tell me a few things that I didn't find out until his wife (yes, I said WIFE!) showed up. He's married, has been with this lady for 6 years, and has only been seperated for as long as we've been talking. It was bad kids...it was hardcore...like, I may never date again. Okay, going a little far there, but I have no desire to date at this time. This girl was c-razy! She busted the windows out of his SUV with a bat, I really thought she was going to try to hit me with a bat at one point. I won't go into gory details,  you can message me if you really want them. Needless to say, I was pissed. After her psychotic ass left I made him take me to my truck. I ended up getting home around 5 Sunday morning. Sunday was traumatic for me..re-living those moments..lol. I'm laughing today, but I'm still traumatized.

Yesterday was better. I'm in a better mood all around today. I'm trying to quit smoking, I promised myself I would, so here's to day 1!

I was giving Jackson a bath the other night and he raised his arm up and said "wash my armpits, I smell like a dowg". I asked him who told him that and he said "my nana did." LOL! That kid cracks me up.

Lu's favorite thing to say these days is "no", constantly. To every single thing I say to her, it doesn't even have to be a question,  and she folds her arms when she says it, she's serious.

Riley is bored during summer break, he likes to stir up trouble with the little kids to make his summer less boring.

I guess I'll end this here. I'm going to Hot As Hell Festival this weekend, I'm pretty stoked about that! I can't wait to see 10 Years, Sevendust, and of course Rob Zombie! I'll update you if anything interesting happens in my life between now and then, I'm praying the rest of the week is boring though.

and she swears there's nothing wrong...

I'm sad today...I can't help it, I'm trying to be happy, but there's so much going on.

Last month my grandma had to have a ultrasound on her breast. That turned into her needing a biopsy. My mom and I assumed it was a fibroid tumor because a lot of women in our family have experienced those at one time or another.

Yesterday she got a call saying she needs to come in today because they have her results. Now in my mind, a doctor probably isn't going to make you drive an hour and a half to give you good news...right? I'm hoping the doc is just really dumb and doesn't realize she has to drive so far and he's going to tell her all good things. But, it's hard to be optimistic at this point.

I want to go somewhere and cry... My grandma practically raised me, I'm closer to her than anyone in my family. I love her most, ya know?

So, if you believe in the power of prayer, say a few for my Gam today...and say a few for me too. I hate this day and everything about it so far. I feel like that's not fair. It's also my Gam's birthday if I forgot to mention that...and it's the first day of summer. I don't want to hate this day, that's why I'm trying to be happy. it's not working out very well though.

My night was horrible. Jackson woke me up in the middle of the night because he's an insomniac. He tried to get in bed with me and I told him to go get back in his bed. Lulu sleeps with me in a queen size bed, she sleeps sideways and hogs covers, even at 21 months old. So I knew if Jackson got in bed with us I would get no sleep and I was already cranky. He got mad at me and proceeded to stand outside my bedroom door and pee his pants. Also leaving a puddle in the floor. I was not a happy camper cleaning up urine in the middle of the night....okay, I was really pissed. Better to be pissed off than to be pissed on though, right? 

This is a reluctant confession right here: I yelled at him, and I spanked him. I feel horrible today. I realize in my morning awakedness that he probably had a nightmare or something in the middle of the night and needed his mom to comfort him and I totally and utterly failed this time. Yet another reason I want to go somewhere and cry.

I think I may drink my lunch, for reals...I rarely do that, especially on work days, but I think today warrants a lunch margarita.