I'm sad today...I can't help it, I'm trying to be happy, but there's so much going on.
Last month my grandma had to have a ultrasound on her breast. That turned into her needing a biopsy. My mom and I assumed it was a fibroid tumor because a lot of women in our family have experienced those at one time or another.
Yesterday she got a call saying she needs to come in today because they have her results. Now in my mind, a doctor probably isn't going to make you drive an hour and a half to give you good news...right? I'm hoping the doc is just really dumb and doesn't realize she has to drive so far and he's going to tell her all good things. But, it's hard to be optimistic at this point.
I want to go somewhere and cry... My grandma practically raised me, I'm closer to her than anyone in my family. I love her most, ya know?
So, if you believe in the power of prayer, say a few for my Gam today...and say a few for me too. I hate this day and everything about it so far. I feel like that's not fair. It's also my Gam's birthday if I forgot to mention that...and it's the first day of summer. I don't want to hate this day, that's why I'm trying to be happy. it's not working out very well though.
My night was horrible. Jackson woke me up in the middle of the night because he's an insomniac. He tried to get in bed with me and I told him to go get back in his bed. Lulu sleeps with me in a queen size bed, she sleeps sideways and hogs covers, even at 21 months old. So I knew if Jackson got in bed with us I would get no sleep and I was already cranky. He got mad at me and proceeded to stand outside my bedroom door and pee his pants. Also leaving a puddle in the floor. I was not a happy camper cleaning up urine in the middle of the night....okay, I was really pissed. Better to be pissed off than to be pissed on though, right?
This is a reluctant confession right here: I yelled at him, and I spanked him. I feel horrible today. I realize in my morning awakedness that he probably had a nightmare or something in the middle of the night and needed his mom to comfort him and I totally and utterly failed this time. Yet another reason I want to go somewhere and cry.
I think I may drink my lunch, for reals...I rarely do that, especially on work days, but I think today warrants a lunch margarita.
I don't think you should feel like you failed Jackson. If he peed on purpose, then he deserved the discipline that he got. I can't say that I wouldn't react the same way -- especially if I had an extra child and a full-time job. <3 Chin up and try to forgive yourself. You're far from a bad mom and he's probably already gotten.
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