And I'm Eaten Alive, By What I Hold Inside

It's been a horrible week...Okay, maybe not horrible. I've been through worse, but it's pretty bad.

I'm trying to keep my feelings neutral because my moods are swinging so badly. I don't know which way they'll go, so if I stay neutral..I don't have to worry about if I'm going hug someone or punch them in the face.

My ex was sent to jail last Thursday night.
I know.
It's horrible.
His (now ex)girlfriend got mad because I gave the ex-factor a ride to our 4 year old's Christmas program. We haven't always been able to get along that well. However, both of their vehicles were in the shop and he didn't have transportation to get to the program. I knew how bad my little guy wanted his daddy to be there. So I sucked up all my extra feelings and went way out of my way for the greater good of my children.

Apparently when I took the ex home his girlfriend was pissed. I only heard his side of the story, so I can't be sure what really happened. I'm know she pushed his buttons and he pushed right back. She got a little violent and the whole situation escalated to the point where she felt like the authorities should be called.
Honestly, I could really care less about what happens between the two of them. BUT, what I do care about, is the fact that my children were just at the point where they love her, trust her, and want to spend time with her, their half-brother, and her older son. It breaks my heart, I haven't told my kids yet. I don't know what to say to them. I don't know how to tell them that their 2nd family has fallen apart. Can I just pretend it didn't happen and wait til the ask? What are the rules here? I mean...I know they'll eventually ask and I'll have to tell them something.

Here's the kicker of this whole situation: My ex has a 2 year suspended sentence. He goes to court on January 3rd about this domestic dispute. The judge could revoke his sentence and send him to prison for 2 years.

It makes really upset to face the possibility of taking my kids to the penitentiary to see there father. I'm angry at both he and his ex-girlfriend. There are so many little lives that are affected by their dumbass actions. Apparently they  have no concept of taking their kid's feelings into consideration.

So I'm holding in my thoughts and feelings. I may have a breakdown before all is said and done. For now, I'll just hold it inside and keep my exterior neutral. Maybe I can trick myself into being genuinely happy over the holidays.

Bah...Merry Christmas!

I'm Feelin' Like A Star, You Can't Stop My Shine...

You know...most of the time I don't mind riding solo. I like being single, I like having freedom, and I like not having share my covers and pillows at night.


There's still that part of me though, however small it may be, that misses having someone in my life that makes me feel like I count.


Sure my kids make me feel like I matter, and I love them with every fiber of my being. I feel like I'm at an impass.. I'm having a hard time weighing out the pros and cons to being in a relationship vs. being single.


I guess if I could find the right guy it wouldn't be hard, right? There wouldn't even be a question or doubt in my mind. But..I'm kind of picky when it comes to the type of guy I want to be in a relationship with.


Several months ago I made a list of qualities/values I look for in a guy. It's quite long and involved. Obviously most of these are what I would look for in a husband. Some are not as important as others, and they aren't necessarily in any certain order.

What I Want In A Man…
1. Has to be a good person
2. Believes in God
3. Believes in himself
4. Ambitious
5. Makes me laugh constantly!
6. Optimistic when I need him to be.
7. Is open minded
8. Laid back
9. Can handle my incessant hounding should the occasion arise.
10. Likes to travel
11. Will go to concerts and shows with me.
12. Can appreciate my obscure taste in music.
13. Has good morals that agree with mine..especially about important stuff, such as infidelity, abortion, good 10 commandment type stuff.
14. Stands up for his principles and moral beliefs.
15. Has a witty, sarcastic, awesome sense of humor, can appreciate my sense of humor and I can appreciate his.
16. Has to get along with/love my family, especially Jackson.
17. My family must approve of and like/love him.
18. Is intelligent. Doesn’t have to be super intelligent, or booksmart, not a know-it-all..but is aware of things and can hold their own in a intellectual convo.
19. WILL NOT CHEAT!!
20. Has a place in his heart for the less fortunate, but not to a fault.
21. Must respect and value me, my time, thoughts, dreams, feelings, opinions.
22. Is clean!
23. Good hygiene!
24. Is generous..with more than just money.
25. Is secure with himself and his life.
26. Adores me..everything about me..to a fault ;)
27. Is thoughtful.
28. Taller than me..
29. Makes me feel protected and safe.
30. Will lay on the couch and be lazy with me if I need him to.
31. Will leave me alone if I need him to.
32. Isn’t rude.
33. Will give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay if I’m sad.
34. Will bail me out if I fail, but not hold it over my head…
35. Smells good.
36. Likes to play with my hair
37. Is a good kisser
38. Loves to hold my hand.
39. Will dance with me.
40. Will do anything to see me and spend time with me.
41. Calls and texts..but not to annoyance.
42. Initiates romance sometimes, but isn’t waaay to mushy.
43. I find him attractive.
44. Can dress appropriately for different occasions.
45. Wants the same things in life I do.
46. Pays his bills on time.
47. ^^Takes care of his bidness.
48. Doesn’t have crazy exes/mother
49. Is a good father or father figure.
50. Can handle my craziness.
51. Motivated
52. Tactful
53. Can read and write (obviously)
54. Loves to sing, even if he can’t…and will sing to me. ..and will listen to me sing..and like it.
55. Is patient, even when I’m not.
56. Values his family, and time with his family.
57. Good teeth.
58. Appreciates clean sheets.
59. Can cook…will cook for me.
60. Loves his momma.
61. Will give me the wedding of my dreams should we both decide we want to marry.
62. Will take me out at least once a week just to show me off.
63. Knows how to communicate with me.
64. Is consistent.
65. Challenges and motivates me to be a better person.
66. Is honest.
67. Will share his secrets with me.
68. Wants to be my best friend…but not the gross girly kind of friend.
69. Kills the spiders for me.
70. Does laundry..or at least helps.
71. Lets me know when he’ll be late.
72. Doesn’t stand me up.
73. Is punctual.
74. Helps curb my anxiety instead of feed into it.
75. Can handle a crowd.
76. Loves people and loves to socialize.
77. But will stay in if I wanna..
78. We have a bond..
79. Is interested in my happiness, and our future together.
80. Thinks I’m a great mom.
81. will take my side if anyone wrongs me..
82. but will call me out (in a nice way) if I’m wrong.
83. Will want stay up late to talk or watch movies with me.
84. Will admit if he is wrong.
85. Is straight-forward and doesn’t play games, won’t mess with my head.
86. Can handle the fact that I am friends with men.
87. Is jealous, but not overly-jealous…
88. Loves me even on my bad-hair, no make-up, sweats and tshirt days.
89. Has his own car.
90. Has his own house.
91. Will deal with it if I’m a little late.
92. Can take a compliment well.
93. Will compliment me (a lot).
94. Will make a fool of himself to prove he wants to be with me, will get in my face and force me to see it.
95. He only has eyes for me.
96. He’s persistent.
97. Will love me even when it hurts.
98. Keeps his promises
99. Will listen..really listen.
100. Will tell me the truth, even if it hurts my feelings, won’t brush issues under the rug just to make me happy.
101. Is in touch with reality.
102. Wants me til death do us part.


If you made it through all 102 points, good for you! Lol..if any of you know a guy that would meet most of these requirements feel free to send him my way for inspection. I'm thinking I'll formulate an inspection like the DMV does on your car. Anyone have any ideas for that?

♫It's Something Unpredictable, But In the End It's Right, I Hope You Had the Time of Your Life♫

It's been a rough week to say the least...last weekend was supposed to be happy, party, no-kid weekend time. My little brother Jepothy got married in Norman on Sunday. I was so excited to be invited and actually be able to go. What's better is, I got to hang out with my sister Stormy on Saturday! She lives in Tecumseh, a little town outside of Shawnee. Her roommate/best friend had a birthday party Saturday night that I was invited to as well! I was so excited to get to party with my sister and all of her friends!

She called early in the day on Saturday, I assumed to ask what time I'd be there. I was in a hurry trying to get ready and get my things together. Plus, I wasn't trying to pay too much attention to my phone because the ex and I were having issues...he was having issues, rather. I didn't want to deal with him. So I didn't answer the phone when I heard it ring.

I called when I was near her house to let her know I was almost there and to get directions as to where I should be going because I had never been to her house before. When I pulled up she was like "did you get ANY of my calls". I told her that the call only came up once and I hadn't had time to call her back yet. She proceeded to tell me that our oldest nephew, Austin was in a wreck early Saturday morning.  She had spoken to my oldest sister Dawn, all we knew at that point was he had been in surgery, was going to have more surgery, and we didn't know what was going to happen. My oldest sister lives about 15 minutes north of Memphis, there was no getting to her right at that point in time. I felt horrible, but I was rolling on borrowed wheels and didn't have that much cash.

Since we knew that in all reality we couldn't go there, we continued to stress and get ready for the party. I was already mostly ready, I just had to change clothes and put on a masquerade mask.

On our way to the party she called our sister and asked her house Austin was, she said that he was better. He wasn't out of the woods yet, but they thought he would make it. We were relieved and proceeded to go into the party to have a good time.

At some point during the evening after having a little entirely too much to drink, I got sick. I had put my sister's phone on the car charger earlier in the evening and my phone needed to charge, so I took that as my queue to go pass out in her front seat get some fresh air.

I went outside and plugged my phone in and proceeded to fall asleep in her passenger seat. I kept thinking her phone was ringing, but I never woke up enough to look at it. She came out about 45 minutes later and asked me if I had checked her phone, I woke up enough to tell her I hadn't. She said "Oh my gosh!, he died, Austin died". I was in shock, I was drunk and in shock. I couldn't pull my thoughts together for 3 or 4 minutes, but when it finally hit me I broke down.

How had my precious 17 year old nephew died? Was he really gone? Was someone playing a joke? I finally wrapped my head around the whole situation and I felt so broken.

He had so many hopes and dreams. At our family reunion in July he told me he planned to go to college to be a rocket scientist. I promise you ladies and gents he would have done it. He was smart and stubborn enough to do whatever he wanted to do.

After my breakdown, I wondered if he had been drinking and driving. Then I realized he hadn't, he was totally against drinking and driving. After our family reunion my siblings and I went bowling and took most of our kids, except for my 2 little ones. I had drank 3 pitchers some beer and was wondering about getting back to my hotel. My nephew stepped up and asked me for my keys and told me he'd drive me back.

I didn't grow up with my dad's kids. I knew when Austin was born, my Aunt Mary and Uncle Allen had sent me some pictures of him and my sister, but I had only saw his face in person twice in my life. Still...that was nephew, that was the little boy that made me an auntie. When he took my keys he had all of my respect and all of the love an aunt feels for her nephew. I loved that kid with my whole heart. I looked forward to spending time with him and my sister's other son and daughter as well! I couldn't wait to plan a trip to spend time with them.

My heart is broken for my sister. My heart is broken that I can't be there for her. My heart is broken for me and my children that we don't have the chance to ever be close to Austin....

I had called my mom in the middle of the night after we got the news. Of course she didn't answer at 3 AM. I couldn't fall asleep til around 5, my mom called at 9 AM to check on me. I was hungover not feeling well, but could not for the life of me go back to sleep. So I started checking out facebook to see what the morning's gossip was.

I found out that a lifelong friend had lost her brother in a car accident early Sunday morning around 3:30 AM. </3

 I really felt like skipping the wedding, my sister and I threw around the idea of skipping the wedding. I wanted to day drink until I had to sober up and then go home.

But, I pulled it together. We decided we had to go to the wedding, because it would only happen one time. Even if we weren't happy, we were going to get energy drinks, we would put on our smiley, happy faces, and by gosh we would go and try to look happy to be there.

I did my best, I really did. It was the most bittersweet weekend of my life. 2 young lives lost, and 2 more being joined together til death do they part. I'm just now starting to feel emotionally well again. Even if I am still broken. I want to go be with my sister still. I want to hug her and her kids. I miss them.

I know that death is a part of life, but how can I be normal when death has touched my life as much as it has? Why do some people get to live most of their lives and never lose anyone near and dear? How is that fair? I feel like a 8 year old sometimes telling God how unfair it is that I have to lose so many people I love. It makes me afraid to let people in my life, it makes me afraid to love anyone new. It makes me feel morbid and weird. On the other hand, I also realize how precious love and life are, and it makes me value those around me more.

I've Got A Pocket, Got A Pocket Full of Sunshine...

Not!

You thought you were in the wrong place for a second huh? Got you guys good...lol.

I do not in fact have a pocket full of sunshine today. My pocket is full of rainclouds and gloominess. Surprisingly, my mood is not bad.

It could be bad. But, it's not.

It occurred to me over the weekend that I haven't really blogged about my kids much lately..I've just ranted and complained.

My mom and sister stole took Lulu Saturday, my sister's friend was having a baby shower. She's pregnant with her 2nd son. She's never met my daughter, and for some reason felt like she needed to meet her. I in fact had no problem with this. I was actually quite happy because it gave me some time to have fun with Jackson and Riley. I haven't had the chance to have a mommy/son day with them in a while. I decided to take them to get dirty. We went to Wild Things Farm. We had a blast! For $8/each you get a hayride, complete with meet & greet with the resident horses, a dirt hill slide, corn maze, and a stop at the pumpkin patch to pick out your very own pumpkin. You also have access to the petting zoo while there. We fed goats, raced rubber ducks, so on and so forth. I also splurged on $5 pony rides for the boys. It was Jackson's first time to really ride a horse, he thought it was the best thing ever and giggled the entire time. It was lots of fun, and they got super dirty, which was the goal.

We were there, seriously about 2 hours. All 3 of us were exhausted when it was time to leave. They tried to con me into taking them to the famous golden arches, but I talked them into Sonic instead. FYI..do not try the bacon and bleu dog..it's not tasty at all. They both fell asleep on the way home. I felt super lucky to get a few moments of peace and quiet.

When we got back to the farm (our farm), I dropped Riley and Jackson off at Gammy's because she hadn't saw either one of them much at all that day. They both kept telling me thank you for taking them to "the punkin patch". They were so sweet, I forgot how much fun outings could be with just the boys.

When Lulu got home all hell broke loose. She likes to play this game where she sneaks out the side door and runs to Gammy's house just as fast as she can before you catch her..lol. Then when you yell at her ask her nicely to come back, she turns around looks at you like you're insane and starts to cross the fence so she can run across the field to Gammy's yard. She gets the cutest, most mischievous look on her face. If you remind her you can run faster than her she'll usually stop and come back.

 On Saturday, I was laying down when she got home. I was texting and not paying much attention and she ran over to Gammy's house before I realized she was gone. So I had to go get her. I re-acquired Jackson while I was there as well. Lulu giggled all the way home because she tricked me. :) I love that little girl, she has my heart, even when she's cranky and has the worst attitude I love her. Her attitude is still cute at this point. Check back in with me in a few years and ask me how many times she's got in trouble for telling me no.

<3

The parentals went and picked up BBQ from Wildhorse Mountain on Saturday night. We all had dinner at my grandparent's house. It was really nice. The baked beans were the.best.ever.

On Sunday we just chilled. Didn't do much at all except for spend time together and watch reality tv with Gammy. I love lazy Sundays with my family.

Next Sunday I'm looking forward to seeing several of my siblings. My little brother is getting married on 10/16! I'm so excited for him and his bride to be. My baby brother turned 19 today. <3 I'm so excited to see the 2 of them and my younger sister. I'll be sure to post pics!

Did the rest of you have a good weekend? I hope all of you have a pocket full of sunshine today!

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own. Everybody has a private world where they can be alone...

Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful...

I love this song, I love Eminem! Lol..his lyrics make me excited about life for some reason.

I'm in a weird mood today. A good mood..I really think that's why it feels weird. I haven't been this happy in a while. I'm really excited at the prospect of a fresh new start. I have put in my resume in at 12 places in San Antonio. I've also dropped my name in the hat for 5 jobs in Austin. I feel like out of these 17 places, 1 of them HAS to give me a job. Right?! Well..we can only hope this is true.

I really need to move on, I feel stagnant in this place. Either way, new job or not I have hopes and dreams again. I lost those for a minute. I still plan on going to petroleum land management classes in the spring (so I can make bank). But, I need something else like rightnow. I need to be with my Tejas girlies, with people that love me. <3

Okay, okay..so people love me here too (to know me is to love me). I need to be with more people that actually care though. I know it will be a huge adjustment, I'm ready for it. I've been her for 24+ years..in the same place. Living on the same piece of land, with the same people, same issues..good and bad. I've been in the same job for almost 5 years. This month on 10/26/11 I'll celebrate my 5th anniversary with this company. Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked about 5 years. I'm more than stoked about the prospect of moving to Texas though. My kids are excited as well. Riley is the only one that really understands so far, but he wants to go.

I started guitar lessons Saturday night, I'm not a savant or anything like that. I've memorized 5 chords, I can't successfully switch between those chords yet. With the help from my awesome guitar teacher I believe I can though! :)

I'm having fun with my life these days. Out are the days of stress and depression. I'm back to the days of fun and laughter. I love being able to love life again!

Crazy things have happened to me in the past month. Isn't it weird how quickly things can change? Thoughts, emotions, even circumstances. Sometimes I feel like I'm juggling and balancing on a tightrope at the same time. One wrong step and everything falls...you can't hold on forever though, right? I only hope all those things fall into the right places this time <3

♫I can do it to your mind, I can do it to your...face♫

This is the song in my head right now:

But either way
Either way, you know where it stands
I wanna kill you
I wanna blow you...
Away

I'm not sure if you guys remember the 90s or not, but in my mind some of the best music ever came out of the 90s. They lyrics above are from a song called "Angry Johnny" by Poe. I miss music like this. I miss music that was straight forward, in your face, and made your heart weep. Granted there is still music around like that. Not in this style though.

This hasn't been the best week for me. It's turning out better, but I had to make great leaps to make it that way. Last Friday night I was getting ready for my kid's birthday party that took place on Saturday. A great friend of mine and I were on the phone, he had a discussion with his ex about getting back together and working things out. They have 2 kids together so I'm all for that. I'm all about working things out and being happy together if you think that's what's going to make you happy. However, he and I have a significant relationship. We have an emotional bond. His ex apparently doesn't like that and told him if they were to work things out he and I can't be friends anymore.

What the fuck kind of shit is that? Really? Because obviously we are mature and responsible enough to just be friends? BS! I don't want a romantic relationship with him. I'm quite content with what I have at this point. However, it's hard for me to make friends. I only trust a handful of people with my life issues. He's the only person I've ever felt comfortable telling every single detail of my life to. He's helped me work through so many of my issues and made a huge effort in helping me fix myself. Now, because the ex either doesn't trust me, him, or is insanely jealous..I've lost my friend.

I can understand if she doesn't trust me, she doesn't know me to trust me. She doesn't know me enough to know that I never lie about anything. That I don't cheat. If she doesn't trust him..then why in the hell does she want to try and work things out with him? I don't know about any of you, but I'll never again be in a relationship where I can't trust my significant other. The possibility of jealousy..I understand that. She's like, 6 or 7 months pregnant with her ex-boyfriend's baby. They lived together for a while. I can see where she might be jealous. I don't totally understand jealousy, I don't subscribe to jealousy, especially in a relationship. When you are jealous of others and you're in a relationship, it's going to cause your relationship to go south at some point.

I would never be in a relationship in which I was told who I could and could not be friends with. I'm friends with my ex, if future boyfriends/lovers/husbands cannot understand that...well, here's a big "fuck you!" to you guys right now. We won't last. I won't waste my time. If you can't handle the fact that I'm friends with my exes, that I have mostly male friends, and that I talk to them daily...then I don't want you. If you can't trust me enough to handle myself in situations that may tempt me to cheat, again "FUCK you!".

I think I have my point across..lol. In the end of our conversation, I was crying. I was sad. He said "I guess this is the last time we'll talk". I told him that if they don't work out he can give me a call at any point, whether it be 5 years or 15 years, I'll answer and I expect we'll still be friends. I just don't understand how you could be striving for a normal, healthy, working relationship and tell someone who they can or cannot be friends with. It really pisses me off. It makes me sort of mad at him too that he didn't fight to be my friend....am I not worth it to you? Maybe we won't be friends again after all....I just gave myself a lot to think about as far as how valuable I really was to him.

Anyway, this week is almost over. Erin will be here on Friday! She's staying the night with me and I'm super excited about this. Also, Korn tickets go on sale on Friday! Like I said, this is turning into a fantastic week! :) I hope all of you are having great weeks too! <3

Wake Me Up When September Ends...

I am such a horrible blogger...I'm averaging 1-2 posts a month. I'm not really sure how many of you actually follow me, but I apologize for my absence.


My grandmother has breast cancer as most of you know. She was hospitalized on..well, I have no clue what date. She came home on 9/10..after 8 days in the hospital. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. I'm sure her's too. She was hospitalized for a blood infection and sore on the bottom of her foot.  While in the hospital she lost her mind...not figuratively, literally. Like..she couldn't hold a conversation that made sense. It was scary and further made me realize I don't have much longer with her on earth. This makes me sad..it's made me question my own mortality, it's made me realize my kids are going to have to go through this someday with me. I don't want to think about it, but it's something I have to face..have to be an adult and face facts.


I hate growing up. Yesterday I was forced into a position where I had to...okay, maybe not had to, but I chose to re-evaluate the way I look at romantic relationships I've been involved in, in the past. I didn't like it, it wasn't fun, but I've worked things out to the point that I'm good. I'm ready for a mature adult relationship. I don't know when it's coming or where it's coming from, but I'm ready for it! and I'm excited. I'm happy that I overcame thoughts and feelings I never realized I had.


September is a month of birthdays, all 3 of my kiddos. I'm ready for the final party tomorrow. I'm excited to watch the kids laugh and play with friends and family. I'm excited to vist, to open presents. I'll be posting a blog about that in the next week.


So...yeah, wake me up when September ends. October- watch out! I'm coming for you, and I'm gonna kick ass!