You're Naked Inside Your Fear, You Can't Take Back All Those Years

I can't believe August is almost over. It's certainly been a month of ups and downs for me. Or maybe it's been downs and ups?

August started kind of down, then it was kind of up, then  it was really really down for a minute. Then up again! I got to go to Austin and spend time with my Tejas besties. I love those girls...like, seriously. I know that no matter what they're going to be there for me if I need anything. And I feel the same about them. Whatever I can do for them I will.

I had such an awesome time with Mena Thursday night, we went to see Blue October at HOB in Dallas. We discovered this amazing up and coming band called "IAmDynamite". The band consists of 2 guys, Chris&Chris. They were "SuperMegaFantastic". They were so great I had to buy their shirt! :) Mena had to work on Friday so I got chill with her worse/better half. Billy and I had good times telling crazy life stories and trying to top the other's story..lol. We got to have lunch at Sonic with Mena. This made me very happy because I'm a huge fan of Sonic. If you don't have Sonic Drive-In where you are, I'm very sorry for you. Friday after Mena got off work we headed to Austin, we didn't get there until late. We met Rachel, Erin, and Erin's almost-boyfriend at our hotel. Rachel, Mena, and I ended up staying in, while Erin and the almost-bf went out. The 3 of us..thanks to Rachel's extreme generosity, checked out Rachel's coupon book. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever saw..lol. I developed a great love for coupons thanks to this lady.

On Saturday we slept in...kinda..in all actuality Mena, Rachel, and I got up early and ate the most amazing hotel continental breakfast ever..lol. We're talking sausage links, ham, eggs, biscuits, gravy, toast, muffins, danish, waffles, english muffins, bagels...plus fruit, cereal, and all that jazz. It was crazy! Mena got about 18 single servings of peanut butter :) Then we went back to the room. I ended up starting a phone call that didn't end until about 3 hours later. I talked on the phone and everyone else slept..lol. Then we showered, got ready, and headed out to Torchy's Tacos. I got a fried avocado taco, it was delish. I also got an order of chips and green chile queso....I'm telling you what, I would drink their queso if it were socially acceptable! I love that ish. After Torchy's and some extreme coupon shopping we went back to the hotel where we rested, got ready, I took huge shots of Wild Turkey, then we went downtown.

Saturday night was crazy, we started out at El Sol y La Luna, where the sidewalk talker...I believe his name was Dustin told us that we should come in and have the special, which happened to be a pitcher of Long Islands for $10, he also told us if we ordered said pitcher to tell the bartender that Dustin sent us in. We decided this was the best idea...please keep in mind that I was already quite inebriated from the earlier mentioned shots of Wild Turkey. We sat at the bar and gave the the spiel about how Dustin sent us in for the "special". So the bartender hooked us up right with an amazing pitcher...I didn't know how it would work out that we end up with a "special" pitcher, but I quickly realized every time we weren't paying attention one of the bartenders would toss a few more shots in our pitcher..til it was almost pure alcohol. C-R-A-Z-Y! I was drunk by this time. I took pics with people I did not know, I shared a smoke with "Dustin"...it was a lot of fun :) We ended up at Touche next..I don't remember very much about this part of our adventure. Even though Touche is my fave bar, all I can remember is shots that tasted like Gatorade and removing my falsies (eyelashes) in the bathroom. Clearly, I had already consumed my limit of alcohol, BUT! We went to still another bar after that called "Jackalope". I had never been in Jackalope before, but I'll probably go back. I remember this man sat beside me..he tried to convince me that he was not gay, but I'm pretty sure he was. I really don't remember that guy's name, but I remember he was talking about being from Tulsa...lol. I remember the bartender "Kitty Korvette". I remember Mena wearing "Roger's" glasses. That is all. I don't remember anything after that until we were on our way back to the car and Rachel was sitting on the sidewalk crying. :( I remember being really sad and thinking if she didn't stop crying I was going to cry. I also remember so many people stopping that knew Rachel's name! They were asking if she was okay..lol. I loved it. I loved that so many people were concerned about her well-being, because she's one of the most amazing people in my life, I feel like everyone in the world should be considerate and concerned of and about Rachel's well-being. After that Erin and the almost-boyfriend met us, we went to the van, and then on to IHop. Rachel continued to cry, I almost cried, then we ate. The pancakes and coffee were fantastic, I'm convinced I was overcharged...I paid $20 for an omelette, tea, coffee, and a short-stack...really? LOL...I didn't care though, I was drunk, the food was good. We went back the hotel afterwards and I crashed out. I was sad to come home on Sunday. I made it home late and talked on the phone late. Woke up Monday morning and drug myself into work.

I forgot to mention! I almost got stuck in Texas! If it weren't for mom and Mike I wouldn't have made it home. I expected a child support payment on Saturday....I got one, but it was about an 1/8th of my usual payment. Adam however still cannot explain this. So I'm really not sure what happened. Nor am I going to get myself all worked up about it. Money is money, you don't need cash to come into this world and you don't need cash to leave it.

My baby's birthdays are next month. Riley will be 8! on 9/25. Jackson will be 4 on 9/11. Lulu will be 2 on 9/17....this is crazy in my mind. I can't believe my kiddos are growing up so fast. It makes me feel all maternal and kind of sad that I'm not going to have anymore babies. BUT...on the other hand, I'm so glad I don't have a tiny screaming drill sargent waking me up every hour all night long, and I'm done with diapers. Can't complain, right? lol.

This is the longest post ever. I'm going to try and keep up better in the future. I don't like having to type this much all at once. I have big weekend plans..no kids, I'm going to hang out with friends on both Friday and Saturday nights, I'm pretty excited about this. :) I love no kid weekends just as much and for different reason than I love kid weekends. I hope everyone has a safe and happy Tuesday evening!

you're out of line and out of time

"Shallow Bay"
come on
the sun will rise
another time
the colors blind
your virgin eyes
I'm so inclined
to make you mine
you're out of line
and out of time
[chorus]
and I float upon a shallow bay
lift me up until the ground gives way
I'm a California castaway
I don't think you wanna fuck with me
don't over kill
this painless thrill
it's bitter still
your pretty pill
you wait until
you've had your fill
I know you will
I know you will
[chorus]
a shallow bay
a shallow bay
[chorus x 2]
you live, you learn
you live, you learn
you live, you learn
you live

You live and learn, that's all I can say about this past week. That's all I want to say. As you all know, I live my life with no regrets, just lessons learned.

With that being said, today is a fan-fuckingtastic day! "Shallow Bay: The Best of Breaking Bejamin" released today!!! Of course I downloaded it first thing this morning. I love Breaking Benjamin with all my little heart. Polyamorous has been one of my favorite songs for 5 or 6 years and it's the fist song on the album! Happy days are here to stay.

ALSO, I washed my hair last night, and it fell into a perfectly straight middle part! I'm so excited about that ish..I can barely stand myself. Lol!

The biggest thing I'm excited about on this amazing Tuesday...I get to see Mena in 2 days! Blue October, House of Blues, Rachel and Austin on Friday. <3 How the fuck could this girl be any less excited today? It's a wonderful life.

Losing hope is easy when your only friend is gone.....

I don't know what's wrong with me these days! Actually..that's a lie. I know what's wrong with me. I have no babysitter...I haven't been out of the house for adult fun in 3 weeks. My best friends are far away. It makes me want to cry. I need to be in Texas, I need to be where people love and care about my well-being and mental health. I need time with my friends in a setting where I can just do me, where I don't have to worry that I'm going to say or do the wrong thing. I need an adult beverage dammit!
It's been 13 days since my last cigarette...I almost broke down and bought a pack today. It was serious...today was so bad that my boss told me I should smoke and drink at lunch. I almost quit my job. I said  "I'm ready to walk out of this place and never come back. I could leave now and not look back. I could be broke and lose everything I have and it will still be better than being here. I'm either quitting today, or you're going to end up firing me". Of course neither of those things happened, but I really probably could have been fired. My job is customer service. You might ask how do you give good customer service when you hate everyone around you? Here's what I do: I bitch at my boss all day. I tell him how much I hate life, how much I hate the company I work for, that I can't stand to hear the girl next to me speak because every word out of her mouth grates my nerves like an itch that you can't scratch. Aggghhhhh! I was gulping some haterade today...I brought my big orange cooler of haterade to work. I just need a night out people!!! Is that too much to ask? really? Is it too much to ask of you to take my children for 1 night a week so I can be mentally stable? I.think.not.
I have to go shopping for school supplies and clothes tomorrow...I'm not even looking forward to it. It's tax free weekend, so I feel like I have to..I'm obliged to buy clothes and supplies tomorrow. How can I not?! I dread being out there with the other 3 billion people who are shopping tax fee. These people are hardcore deal sharks. So am I to a point, but the people I'm going to shop with tomorrow are not my friends. Hopefully they let me get in, get what I need, and get out without opposition. I can't deal with opposition right, I need a drink.
It's Friday night...I'm ready to go out, but I have no where to go, no one to go out with, and no sitter. Hopefully I get to go somewhere tomorrow night, I will def let you know if I do!

Living Dead Girl

So...Hot As Hell was almost 2 weeks ago...the last time I left my house by myself for anything other than work and grocery shopping...fml. I'm stressed and depressed. Here's my fave moment from Hot As Hell:

That's right, he stopped right in the middle of the song to save this chic that had been crowd surfing in a bikini top. We were closer to the middle of the stage and 5 or 6 feet farther forward. This happened in front of and to the right of us. Some guy reached up and ripped this girl's top off. Then as she was trying to cover herself and fix her top at the same time she got pulled down into the pit and guys were grabbing on her and accosting her...it was crazy. I had so much respect for this man that I won't even pirate their album, I'll buy it for real. 

I rode to the fest with Heather and Steve, we had a great time. Got some margaritas at Mexicali when we got there, then headed down towards the fest. All That Remains was on stage when we got there. After their set Josh found me and we went to the front of the stage while 10 years was setting stage. I love 10 years, I wanted to see 10 years more than anyone there. However...I got sick. The 2 margaritas I had combined with not eating much made me want to fall over. So I sat down through most of their set. After that we went back to Mexicali, drank water and beer and I was good to go. We got back to the fest in time for Sevendust and 5FDP. Then Rob Zombie! I had such a great time. Josh took me home and we had great convo.  It's nice to chill with someone who really understands me and where I'm coming from with things. 

Our central air was out from Friday to Tuesday this week. I haven't been anywhere just for me in almost 2 weeks. AND I've just been informed that I have no babysitter for this weekend..soooo I'm not going to get to do anything for me this weekend either. I'm crying right now..literally. I need something outside of work and this house. bah...FML! 

So, must of you don't know this but I like to write poetry. I've started a few poems over the past few days. I haven't really finished them or went anywhere with them though:

1.

Seemingly nothing is going my way

It seems as if nothing is here to stay.

2. 

I'm sick

I'm depressed

Something is wrong

I'm alone

I'm scared 

Something is gone

I feel like I can combine them, I just haven't really tried yet.

Anyways, I'm going to put my children to bed and have a safety meeting. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

It Started Out With A Kiss, How Did It End Up Like This?!

OMG! Life is crazy! I know it's been a while since I've blogged...I have been demonized, dramatized, and traumatized since the last time you heard from me.

My Gammy does have cancer for sure. She actually started chemo today, but more on that later...

Last Thursday was my 28th birthday, that's right I turned 28 on 7/7. Guess what I woke up to on my birthday morn? A tweet from my sister saying my grandpa had went to the hospital via ambulance during the night! My grandma rode with him in the ambulance. I went ahead and went to work since I didn't really know what was going on. Another girl in my department was on vacation, so I knew I would have to be here to do some things before I could go to the hospital. My mom called around 9:20 and told me to get over to the hospital ASAP because my Gammy didn't feel good and they were probably going to admit my Da-dad because he was severely dehydrated and had pneumonia.

I got to the hospital and went into the ER room my grandpa was in. He was asleep, Gam was sitting in a chair at the foot of his bed. I sat down on the floor beside her so she could re-hash everything that had happened. She was telling me the story and noticed her left foot was so swollen she couldn't put her shoe on. My mom had told me she was having issues with her foot, but I didn't realize it was that bad.

Gam was supposed to have a port put in last Friday for her chemo, so I knew she needed to get her foot looked at just in case something was really wrong. Her foot was swollen, red, and angry looking. I went back and forth with her for about an hour and a half. I even got one of the nurses on her case. I had to get a little mean with her, but she finally agreed to getting it looked at.

My grandpa was admitted and put in a private room, Gammy was in minor emergency ER, and my boys were being bad. I left Lu with Mom and Sara and took the boys to the house. I hadn't been gone long when my mom called and said that Gam was being admitted as well, she had a blood clot in her leg! That's right...my birthday, both grandparents admitted to the hospital. They came home yesterday and are both doing better.

Gam went to the oncologist today, even though she wasn't able to get her port as planned they still started chemo today through a regular vein. They'll put her port in once all of the cumedin is out of her system.

So...last Saturday night was horrible. I really thought it was going to be amazing...it even started out amazing. It ended up going horribly wrong...I went out with this guy that I had been talking to for around a week, we have mutual friends so I really thought things might be good. I was out with friends, seeing one of my fave bands and he met me at the bar to have drinks. We hit it off instantly.

It's not something I normally do, but I went home with him, we had like..an instant connection. Well...he failed to tell me a few things that I didn't find out until his wife (yes, I said WIFE!) showed up. He's married, has been with this lady for 6 years, and has only been seperated for as long as we've been talking. It was bad kids...it was hardcore...like, I may never date again. Okay, going a little far there, but I have no desire to date at this time. This girl was c-razy! She busted the windows out of his SUV with a bat, I really thought she was going to try to hit me with a bat at one point. I won't go into gory details,  you can message me if you really want them. Needless to say, I was pissed. After her psychotic ass left I made him take me to my truck. I ended up getting home around 5 Sunday morning. Sunday was traumatic for me..re-living those moments..lol. I'm laughing today, but I'm still traumatized.

Yesterday was better. I'm in a better mood all around today. I'm trying to quit smoking, I promised myself I would, so here's to day 1!

I was giving Jackson a bath the other night and he raised his arm up and said "wash my armpits, I smell like a dowg". I asked him who told him that and he said "my nana did." LOL! That kid cracks me up.

Lu's favorite thing to say these days is "no", constantly. To every single thing I say to her, it doesn't even have to be a question,  and she folds her arms when she says it, she's serious.

Riley is bored during summer break, he likes to stir up trouble with the little kids to make his summer less boring.

I guess I'll end this here. I'm going to Hot As Hell Festival this weekend, I'm pretty stoked about that! I can't wait to see 10 Years, Sevendust, and of course Rob Zombie! I'll update you if anything interesting happens in my life between now and then, I'm praying the rest of the week is boring though.

and she swears there's nothing wrong...

I'm sad today...I can't help it, I'm trying to be happy, but there's so much going on.

Last month my grandma had to have a ultrasound on her breast. That turned into her needing a biopsy. My mom and I assumed it was a fibroid tumor because a lot of women in our family have experienced those at one time or another.

Yesterday she got a call saying she needs to come in today because they have her results. Now in my mind, a doctor probably isn't going to make you drive an hour and a half to give you good news...right? I'm hoping the doc is just really dumb and doesn't realize she has to drive so far and he's going to tell her all good things. But, it's hard to be optimistic at this point.

I want to go somewhere and cry... My grandma practically raised me, I'm closer to her than anyone in my family. I love her most, ya know?

So, if you believe in the power of prayer, say a few for my Gam today...and say a few for me too. I hate this day and everything about it so far. I feel like that's not fair. It's also my Gam's birthday if I forgot to mention that...and it's the first day of summer. I don't want to hate this day, that's why I'm trying to be happy. it's not working out very well though.

My night was horrible. Jackson woke me up in the middle of the night because he's an insomniac. He tried to get in bed with me and I told him to go get back in his bed. Lulu sleeps with me in a queen size bed, she sleeps sideways and hogs covers, even at 21 months old. So I knew if Jackson got in bed with us I would get no sleep and I was already cranky. He got mad at me and proceeded to stand outside my bedroom door and pee his pants. Also leaving a puddle in the floor. I was not a happy camper cleaning up urine in the middle of the night....okay, I was really pissed. Better to be pissed off than to be pissed on though, right? 

This is a reluctant confession right here: I yelled at him, and I spanked him. I feel horrible today. I realize in my morning awakedness that he probably had a nightmare or something in the middle of the night and needed his mom to comfort him and I totally and utterly failed this time. Yet another reason I want to go somewhere and cry.

I think I may drink my lunch, for reals...I rarely do that, especially on work days, but I think today warrants a lunch margarita.